Polyphasic Sleep and Better Thinking

"Love suffers long and is kind;
Love does not envy;
Love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;
does not behave rudely,
does not seek its own,
is not provoked, thinks no evil…"

(I'll leave the attribution as an interesting exercise for the reader.)

(Because why not, right?)

…When you're actually in the middle of having one of the worst weeks you can remember.

Sorry about the lack of posts, ya'll; I've just been trying to keep the whining and flailing and FML-ing off of this site, because well, what good does it do?  I have other places to just vent at, and even then, the only real purpose of it is to keep me from shutting down and turning inwards and giving the world the finger.  (Which I would happily do at this point, except that then I wouldn't get anything *done*; I'd just stay in bed and rot.  And I'll take venting and flailing over that kind of depression any day, thank you.)

Change and cycles are necessary and inevitable, and the ego needs to let go of the delusion that it's in control of them…sometimes things fall apart because they needed to.  Philosophically I'm fine with this truth, though of course it's hard for me emotionally like it is for anybody.  Know the truth and it will set you free — not necessarily without pain, of course.

So I'd be having a hard enough time with that as it is, but the Universe then decided that this week, ALL of the things that give me comfort and joy should also go away, leaving me in the dark presumably so that I can more fully experience The Suck that it has laid out for me.  All week it's just been difficult conversations, boredom (you know how I bloody hate boredom), frustrated plans, being stuck outside in the cold, and having too much time either alone and dwelling on things, or in company where I have to keep a game face on no matter how much I don't feel like it.  All my usual activities and pleasures are unavailable or fell through, and it's been entirely up to me to entertain myself, stay busy, and stay positive.

And to be fair, I've done pretty well overall.  Today, though, I'm feeling totally out of energy for it, and I don't know where I'll get more.  Every day I've managed to find something — a nice view, a good read, a moment of appreciation for something — but man have I been running on fumes for a while now, and I'm really starting to despair that I'll ever catch a break.  Of course I will — that's how cycles work, after all — but that despair is itself dangerous and potentially destructive, and I really need to keep it off, or this downturn will eat through a lot more things than are actually ready to end.

That part's up to me.  "I have come to the disturbing conclusion that I am the deciding factor," as Goethe said.  And it may feel like day after day of using up the things that help me has left me bare in a lashing wind, but that's not accurate either.  The tools are always at hand, if you know how to look.  I'll figure it out.

Right?  Right!

More when things are better…

NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no NO no 

STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID stupid STUPID STUPID *DUMB*

…And I imagine that that, in combination with what you're seeing everywhere else today, is Nuff Said, yeah?

(If not, poke me via any means and I'll happily elucidate the NO and the STUPID as much as you like.)

[[one last big FACEPALM for the government of the country that built the Internet, for being too bought-and-paid-for to bother even understanding the basics of how not to break it.  *SHEESH*]]

(No, that question wasn't meant to sound filthy, but bonus points to you if it did I guess.  ;)

I've been thinking a lot about that "last inch" lately — the immediate reference in my mind is to V for Vendetta, but it goes farther than that – and yes, times are crazy, as tend to be those that spur such thinking.  Here are some of those thoughts, and of course I'm interested in hearing yours, too.

• The last inch is maybe the first inch, in the sense that it's the first inch of power-cord after the place where you plug into the Source.  It's where the power is the most pure, and also the one remaining piece you need to have in order to say you ex-ist (literally, protrude out into the world of form).
• The last inch is where your mandates for living come from:  Think of Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet (and read it if you haven't!), where he asks the young poet to dive down to the part of himself that is essentially, irrevocably alone, and ask it:  Must I write?  (Or "Must I [whatever]?")  If the last inch says yes, then that's not an optional part of life for you; it's part of how your connection to Life (the force) is defined.  In my mind this is similar to asking the coupling on a fiber connection, "Must it be pulses of light?" For someone else — a Cat5-person perhaps — the answer to that wouldn't be "yes, it must"; but if your interface demands it, it must.
• Expanding on that, you can't give away your last inch unless your intent is to give away life, the Universe and everything; and to do that is suicide, so you'd generally better not!  …But if you don't recognize what your last inch is composed of, you may not recognize that you shouldn't offer it up, for someone else, or in exchange for something you really want.  The last inch is dangerous if it's unknown I think.
• Back to "fiber people" and "copper people"…Rilke says that there's a place inside each of us where we're totally alone, and I agree with that — we all go there in the moments before death, at least — but I think for some of us it's our last inch, and for others it isn't.  Some people are made to be bundled — most of them, actually.  But while communication is an essential part of life for almost all of us — what good is a totally isolated interface? — for some of us, a certain amount of insulation is necessary.  We are, perhaps, sensitive to interference, right in that most delicate of places; right where we plug in.

Your last inch can keep you alive, keep you going in the face of amazing adversity, if you know where it is.  And if you don't know where it is and what it requires to function, you can accidentally damage it, which is the spiritual equivalent of damaging your lungs.  

I have time to catch up on projects this weekend, and one that I'm spending a lot of time with is my last inch…when you next get the chance, I recommend this activity highly…while at the same time slapping an NC-17 on it, because good fracking oil-earthquakes is it scary!  ;)

My friend Scott K., who is a regular spouter of wisdom, recently shared with me this gem from a conversation he had with someone who was attempting to — hold your breath for this one — support the Randian "philosophy" espoused in The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged.  I'm thrilled to re-post his arguments here, because a) they're very good, if not exactly what my slightly-more-cynical self would say; and b) I hate writing about Rand myself because it just makes me froth – on a very real level I don't think her "arguments" are even worth taking seriously enough to rebut, so I just go all OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS MORON at people who defend them.  Scott does a much better job of giving real answers, and not only are they patient and accurate, but I can totally get behind his thinking, which is based pretty firmly in the Golden Rule.  Go, Scott!  ;)

[I can't speak to the veracity of Sergio Marchionne's speech yet, but Scott was nice enough to score me a bit of it, so perhaps -- assuming it's less rage-inducing than Rand, heh -- I'll address that bit separately later.  Also, all the emphases below are mine. --PD]

When I read Atlas Shrugged, I felt like Rand was completely overlooking how we have come to this state of society – we all work together to make a better place, and we pass that down not just to our own children, but to everyone.  I owe (along with those lost to history) those people who decided to build our national infrastructure of roads using public money, which changed the fate of our country in incredible ways.  I owe the people who determined that my mom didn't have to pay taxes because she didn't make enough to buy me shoes as a baby, because I would not be where I am now if she wasn't given the chance to succeed.  She never accepted welfare, but it wasn't because she wasn't eligible.



On a personal level, I think that while my success in life is certainly not possible without my own efforts, it is also a matter of blind luck at having been born where, when, and to whom I was born to, and that if I didn't have the benefits I did not earn before I was of working age, I would be in significant trouble.  



I am proud of the things I have done and the person I have tried to be, but our country does not owe me – I owe it.  And I think that everyone else who has driven on public roads, enjoyed greenery that would otherwise be developed, has flouridated water, and enjoys vehicles that get more than 10 miles to the gallon also owe those people.  I can't pay it back to them, so I pay it forward.



Everyone in society benefits from keeping people healthy and educated.  Whether they deserve it or not, whether they have worked hard for it or not, allowing people to wallow in their miserable, painful lives until their untimely death does not help our GDP, and it is not moving forward toward a society I want to be in.  It is not in our self-interest as a nation to not take care of our own, unless you subscribe to the brutal eugenics some people mistake for natural selection, and in that case, it is a step too far for me.  The people Atlas Shrugged would reject are human beings as valid as any 'hard worker' is, with just as much of a right to exist (ethically speaking).



If a small portion of my income goes to someone who buys twinkies as their only source of pleasure and sustenance, I don't care.  It is a very small price to pay for having the opportunity to be college-educated, to work in a comfortable office, to make more money than I need to survive, to have medical insurance, to be able to get in my car and drive anywhere in this entire country I want to go, at my own whim, when other people are literally incapable of leaving the city because they can't afford the time off, the gas, or car.  I have friends who can loan me cash if I need it, family who can take me in if I'm suddenly unemployed, and I live in a society that will help me pay my bills because it is better for me to find a job and continue to contribute than to lose me forever.



I would prefer for there not to be waste or greed or corruption, but this is the real world, and just like communism is a failure (by its own rules) due to human greed, strict and total free market capitalism is a societal failure due to the corruption and greed of individuals.  People do NOT behave in their best long-term interest, and corporations don't either – they behave in ways that are best for the short-term gain of their stockholders, to the folly of future generations.  No offense to stockholders. ;)



I accept that I worked hard for money that will go toward some things I do not desire and would not choose.  I think the fear that other people might get something that they don't deserve when we're talking about a block of cheese or a flu shot, is cruel and sad.  That doesn't mean I won't stand up and make my opinions known, or try to influence my politicians toward where I think my money should be spent.



There are also people who work their asses off, put themselves through college, get laid off through no fault of their own, become homeless, and die due to those conditions.  I know of no technique to determine the difference between those who "deserve" charity and those who do not with 100% certainty.  Either way, though, I have it so, so much better than so many people in this world, both through skill and luck, and I think it is ridiculous hubris for me to think that I should not be contributing to my community and society.  I don't believe in God, but the phrase "There but for the grace of God go I" has rung through my head ever since (yes, I'm invoking her) my grandmother said it to me, and I try to always keep it in mind.  [I love that phrase; I just shorten it to "There but for Grace go I".  However, keeping God in it is a nice reminder to Christians, I think, that in spite of what most Megachurches will tell you nowadays, God does not in fact ensure that all the people he likes are born white and wealthy as a reward for their awesomeness, and Jesus was pretty clear about making sure that everyone is taken care of, whether you think they deserve it or not.  And speaking of deserving things, people who claim to be Christian and Randian deserve to explode in a flaming gout of poor reading comprehension.  -PD]



I believe in the power of capitalism to move society forward, just as I believe that someone with power -must- represent those interests that are -NOT- met by money alone.  [And I totally want to discuss this bit more with Scott, because I'm not sure I do believe it...but I love him and I respect his opinions enough to post all of them.  ;)]

Sergio Marchionne, the CEO of Chrysler and Fiat, had a few things to say about what's going on right now and what impact it has on business at a conference recently.  He is one of the most incredibly successful CEOs to exist in this generation, having brought back companies from the brink of death, and I believe firmly in the things he said.



He ended his speech with this: "This is a story of revitalization in a company that was regarded as irrelevant, set in a city that had been disparaged as a failure.  It is just one example of how impossible feats of recovery can be achieved if we work together in good faith, realizing that we have a stake in each other's success." 

SO yesterday was a lot of semi-sensible-sounding sleep-and-diet, writing-and-practice stuff…but don't let that fool you; I still highly value the *other* kind of planning too, the kind that just lets it all explode out and let's see what sticks.  Therefore, lest anyone think I’m not also doing good old-fashioned completely batshit planning in addition to the (for me) sane and well-considered planning of yesterday, I present…

JANUARY 2’s CONFESSIONS

The nice thing about a slow period — you've got to have them, and if I'm not careful I hate them, but — it IS nice that they give you lots of time to make crazy plans.  To make ALL the planz, and then gear yourself up to hit the tarmac at 200 knots and see what you can do.  When things are busy, you just grab the ropes as they swing by; it's when they're slow (like over a holiday) that you get to set things up and try to put some future ropes (mental or physical or financial) in the right places so you can make all those amazing leaps you're really hoping for.

Like… 

[Read more →]

Yup, it's Neophile Day, a day when everybody acts like us.  There's a lot of gratitude, a bit of hedonism, and a mad orgy of planning and dreaming.  Needless to say, I love it.  And, at least for me, it's relatively easy to keep this holiday all year long — if I don't, I go dizzy ninjas and break things.  ;)

I didn't do much of anything yesterday but travel, but don't worry, I'm planning to make up for some of the lost hedonism today.  I also have a day off tomorrow with possible kungfu and definite hockey, which is an awesome ending to a vacation, and very welcome.  (Usually my vacations end with the errand-running equivalent of someone throwing a drum-kit down a flight of stairs.)

So what about the rest of the traditional celebration?  Mad orgy of planning and dreaming, here we go!  (And if your plans are interesting, of course I'd love to hear them!)

Things I'd like to Achieve this year:

• At least one major writing project, if not published then ready for publication
• More stories and songs written
• At least one public performance of a finished song
• Make the new apartment nice and set-up, unpacked and organized
• Send holiday and birthday greetings!  (I tried and failed to do this this year, d'oh.)
• NOTE: These are mostly for me, but this isn't to imply that I will, or want to, lead a selfish life!  It's understood for me that the health and welfare of my daughter and my husband come first.  My challenge is to make sure I don't get so sucked into work and everything else that I don't accomplish any of my own goals.  Writing them down helps!

Defaults I'd like to Improve or Adjust:

• Getting my naps.  I miss a lot of naps now because I don't put my foot down about it.  I could have much closer to a straight Everyman 3/3 schedule if I was stricter, and I want that extra time in the coming year!
• Drink more water (and if that works, other diet tweaks) — I can maintain a "good" diet now, but it could be better in several ways.  The water thing, though, really isn't optional.  ::shakes finger at self::
• Ab exercises — I could SO have a six-pack with just a little more work!  Also, high-speed swimming requires mad ab-strength, and I skimp on those exercises if allowed to.
• Writing at a regular time, instead of "when I can fit it in", which works less well the busier I get — and I expect to be busy as all heck this year.
• Eat more protein; my diet is still way carb-heavy.  I'd also like to get better about eating fresh vegetables (which will improve my dragon's diet too!)

Principles I'd like to Embody / Better Grok:

• Move in harmony with cycles — sleep, physical, emotional, other people's, etc.  
• The now is primary; past and future are secondary
• Keep your hands open:  Accept what comes; let go what leaves.
• Keep your eyes open:  See clearly and admit what you're looking at.
• PAY ATTENTION:  Something might happen at any moment!

Things I'd like to Avoid this year:

• Unnecessary opining or involvement in other people's affairs … I have a much wider social circle now, which means more carefully drawing boundary-lines
• Time-wasters (unscheduled gaming / TV / internet time, mostly)
• Energy-wasters (destructive thinking / worrying, useless judging, self-doubt)
• Defeatism / lack of confidence:  Confidence is a choice; make it.
• Black moods:  I can see these coming and stop them early if I try hard enough!

Lessons from Last Year to Remember:

• Be careful to set expectations where you can manage them
• Time spent listening to loved ones is never wasted time
• The harder honesty is, the more important it is
• You have to take risks to make gains
• It's important to recognize what part of the process you're in, and to act accordingly.  Big things take bigger chunks of time, and you can't rush them.
• Compassion is worth the effort even if it doesn't work
• Same with creativity:  Don't be afraid to express yourself even if the environment doesn't seem friendly to it.

Well, either I bit my lip or something in the night (possible), or I have a real honest-to-Pete cold sore coming on.  ::stifles panic::  Now, I know that cold sores are normal — they're expressions of Herpes Simplex 1, which something like 80% of the population carries and is one of the viruses associated with the common cold — but I've only ever had one mild one in my life, and even then it scared the pants off me.  Not sure why, but those things give me the creeeeeeps.

I do have a cure for them, which I used last time and worked fantastically well (gods I love herbalism)…but do I have any slippery elm bark on me?  Um, no, I do not.  So I read about six web-pages full of possible cures, most of which sounded horrendous, and settled on "likely to work and available":  A dose of ibuprofen (swelling), a packet of Emergen-C (immune system boost) and a slice of fresh garlic, which I rubbed on the proto-sore and then ate, to clear my mouth of nasty virus-stuff.  (Garlic, for you uninitiated, is a phenomenal anti-viral, -fungal and -bacterial.  Be careful putting it on your skin though — prolonged exposure will give you chemical burns!  Garlic is such a strong medicine that if you rub some on your foot, you'll taste it shortly thereafter — I've used it to remove warts and skin-tags, all by itself! — so treat it with respect.)

It would make some sense for me to get a cold-sore now…I've been traveling, been around new people and sharing food and stuff with them, and due to being with family for the holidays, not eating or sleeping terribly well either (always a bad idea in the middle of winter!).  Sometimes I lean on my awesome immune system too much; a performance vehicle needs careful care!  I wouldn't be surprised if, due to the stress of the last few weeks, I got a sniffly cold-cold for the first time in almost 2 years (though I would be angry at myself, lol), and I shouldn't be surprised if I get this.  But hoooooooly cow do I hope I can stave it off!  ::shudders::

Hope everybody out there is healthy!!  More useful posting soon; after a long period of just being slammed with daily life (moving right before the holidays was such a great idea) I'm finally thinking and writing more again.  *WHEW*

Peace (even while at war with viruses!  ;)

*thank you to the University of Maryland Medical Center for their clear summaries of herbal remedies!  Nice to have that to link to.

UPDATE:  Everybody who looked at it (including Nurse Mom) said it was a cold sore, and if they're right then I stumbled on an awesome way to kick a cold sore's butt!  All I did besides the aforementioned single dose of vitamins and ibuprofen was to continue to apply and eat fresh garlic.  Whenever it became sore or bothered me, I'd cut the end off a clove of garlic (nice and portable; I took it on the train) and rub it right on there.  When I felt it sting I took the garlic off, and the stinging went away after a minute — and after that, it would stop bothering me.  It stayed the way it was for a day, then faded in a day; today it's pretty much gone and I haven't needed the garlic at all.  Also on the first day I ate a clove of garlic, and the next day I chewed up a few of the end-pieces I was cutting off.  But that seems to have done it — woo!

…Of course you do.  But just in case you don't, or haven't been motivated enough to do anything about it, here's a lovely little metaphor to hammer it home.

(You know why corporations have more freedoms than you do?  Because they're fighting for theirs.)