There are as many methods for “handling” telemarketers as there are figs in Lebanon*, and they range from the polite to the horrid, simple to elaborate, dull to blisteringly weird. Guess which kinds I like? ;)
TM: How much copier toner do you need today?
ME: We don’t use copiers.
TM: You don’t? How about printers?
ME: We don’t print anything either. Not one printer here.
TM: Oh… Ok, then have a nice day.
TM: You’ve won 4 days and 3 nights at Time Share Harbor in Orlando.
ME: Sorry, I can’t travel. I’m under house arrest for the next eight years.
TM: Oh… uh… sorry to bother you. Goodbye.
TM: Hi, I’m with MegaTeleNet and we can aggregate all your phone and Internet services
ME: We don’t use Internet and this is a payphone.
TM: Don’t use Internet? How does your business survive without Internet?
ME: Don’t need it – all of our customers are walk-ins.
TM: Oh… sorry to bother you. Goodbye.
TM: Hi, we can save your business thousands of dollars with our new light bulbs.
ME: We don’t use light bulbs here.
TM: You don’t? How do you see anything?
ME: Everything here is natural lighting and we leave at dusk.
TM: Oh… sorry to bother you. Have a nice day.
TM: Would you like to save a bundle on long distance?
ME: We don’t use any long distance service.
TM: You don’t make any long distance calls?
ME: No, all of our customers are local.
TM: Oh… sorry to bother you.
…Oh yes. I cannot wait to try this out. Such a marvelous mix of Eff Off, Phone Dada and Zen Cold Calm**…love, love, lovely.
*this is a totally useless metaphor, in case you didn’t catch it.
**am I mistaken in thinking that all three of these phrases should be band names?