Telemarketer Methodology

There are as many methods for “handling” telemarketers as there are figs in Lebanon*, and they range from the polite to the horrid, simple to elaborate, dull to blisteringly weird. Guess which kinds I like? ;)

From Slashdot, commenter Divebus posts something he found somewhere that I, in turn, find brilliant and hilarious: The “We Don’t Use That” method. (via takaal — thanks!)

TM: How much copier toner do you need today?
ME: We don’t use copiers.
TM: You don’t? How about printers?
ME: We don’t print anything either. Not one printer here.
TM: Oh… Ok, then have a nice day.

TM: You’ve won 4 days and 3 nights at Time Share Harbor in Orlando.
ME: Sorry, I can’t travel. I’m under house arrest for the next eight years.
TM: Oh… uh… sorry to bother you. Goodbye.

TM: Hi, I’m with MegaTeleNet and we can aggregate all your phone and Internet services
ME: We don’t use Internet and this is a payphone.
TM: Don’t use Internet? How does your business survive without Internet?
ME: Don’t need it – all of our customers are walk-ins.
TM: Oh… sorry to bother you. Goodbye.

TM: Hi, we can save your business thousands of dollars with our new light bulbs.
ME: We don’t use light bulbs here.
TM: You don’t? How do you see anything?
ME: Everything here is natural lighting and we leave at dusk.
TM: Oh… sorry to bother you. Have a nice day.

TM: Would you like to save a bundle on long distance?
ME: We don’t use any long distance service.
TM: You don’t make any long distance calls?
ME: No, all of our customers are local.
TM: Oh… sorry to bother you.



…Oh yes. I cannot wait to try this out. Such a marvelous mix of Eff Off, Phone Dada and Zen Cold Calm**…love, love, lovely.


*this is a totally useless metaphor, in case you didn’t catch it.
**am I mistaken in thinking that all three of these phrases should be band names?

About puredoxyk

Word addict, kungfu/taiji nut, and life-partner to polyphasic sleep. Rabid fan of as many hobbies as the world will let me pry into its piddly fourth dimension (it helps to have knocked out the wall).
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.