The L-Word Paradox: Is Romance Spiritual?

The L-Word Paradox has fascinated me since Catholic school.  You could state the Paradox this way:

• Most people (especially “modern” people) seem to think that romance and a good love-based relationship (or more than one, even) are some of the best things you can get out of this life, and should be sought after, or at least welcomed if they happen.
• Yet many spiritual traditions (modern and otherwise) discourage devotees from pursuing or accepting romantic relationships of any kind, and many of the more recognized paths to spiritual understanding (priesthood, monkhood, any kind of ascetic or hermit-y endeavor) outright forbid even the most minor of romantic entanglements.
• But you’d think that spiritual enlightenment or understanding and the good things in life would be compatible, no?  The gains of spirituality don’t seem worth much if they screw up your life, or rob it of some of its best experiences.

So what is Love, for the usual romantic values of the word?  A distraction?  A weakness?  A biological tendency?  And is it compatible with a spiritual path?

And what about the non-romantic values of the L-word?  If they–love for parents and children and friends and family–are good, but romantic love is not, then what makes them so different?  Just sex? …But that would seem ridiculous, wouldn’t it?  That spirituality and sex would be incompatible?  If that’s true, it would mean that the future of the human race depends on most of it not attaining spiritual understanding!

The married seeker’s opinion, under the cut…

It comes down to what an emotion is, I think.   I’ve always liked Austin Osman Spare’s take on it, and Tolle seems to nail it too.  Kahlil Gibran as well, if you like the flowery version.

But in plain talk, “emotion” comes from the Latin root emovere, or “disturbance”.  (Any bet on how long it takes for “eMotion” to mean a disturbance on the ‘Net, a la RaceFail?  …But I digress.)

Emotions are things that disturb us, like a thrown stone disturbs a lake. The bigger the incident, the more ripples.  I think most people will agree, the L-word in its fullest manifestations is relatively tidal-wave-like.

What is it about these disturbances (strong emotions) that makes truthseeking people avoid them?  Well, if I can continue the easy metaphor, it’s because they rock the boat, and it’s hard to learn to feel the depth and stillness of the lake while you’re hanging onto the mast for dear life.

The awareness of nonspiritual (please excuse the incredibly sloppy term) people is shallow, and easily pulled along by surface disturbances — easily caught up in emotions.  People seeking spiritual truth are looking for the depth, of themselves and the world; they’re seeking the rock underneath the shifting sand, something you can stand on and be grounded in yourself no matter what.  Depth means clarity and calm, and “getting stirred up” makes finding that clarity much harder.

So I think that the impulse for spiritually-minded people to avoid strong emotions is the same impulse that makes them (us) go sit quietly by themselves on a regular basis:  Quiet and calm waters let you see (and feel) deeper.

But does that mean that romance is really unsuited for anyone who wants a fuller understanding of life than working and dying will provide?  …I don’t think so, for a few reasons.

1.  Seeking calm does not equal avoiding disturbances when they come. A monk has to live, as well as contemplate living.  Enlightenment is NOT an academic exercise, or a spectator sport.

2.  Love plays to the best in us. There are few, if any, good moral reasons to not forge deep affection for and selfless devotion to another person.

3.  Love improves our lives. The goals of spiritual questing cannot be fully separated from the goal of living a good life, and many if not most good lives involve loving other people, including a romantic partner (or partners).

4.  There’s more to love than emotion. The onset or breakup of a romantic (or other close) relationship can certainly cause some maelstrom-like emotions, but those aren’t what love is (unless you’re a teenager, and/or someone who’s never gotten past the drama of finding and “hooking up with” a significant other).  Love is also deep understanding, of oneself and another; it’s also compassion and sacrifice; and it can be, in the right hands, a vehicle for clarity and understanding the likes of which even sitting in the grass for days might not get you.  “Romance”, sex, clinginess, passion, etc. are all parts of love, but not necessary or sufficient parts.  The core of it is something much bigger which, while maybe it doesn’t cause enlightenment all on its own, certainly doesn’t preclude it, if you ask me.  (Which you did, if you read this far.  ;)

5.  There’s more to Enlightenment than spiritual questing.  My last point is that, based on what I know about spiritual understanding / Enlightenment, it’s not like making a cake — you don’t put in specific ingredients (prayers, meditations, rituals, thoughts, studies, whatever) and get a certain result.  Rather, it’s a method, a way of living, a kind of seeing the world that changes it profoundly.  I think many “seekers” get stuck seeking, stuck obsessing about which change they should make next in order to “get there”.  But all the best spiritual thinkers I’ve read have entreated people to stop worrying about the what, about the “outside”, and to worry instead about how:  To “get the inside right, and the outside will follow”.  (Restate this more gracefully and it’s the definition of Karma Yoga, a major ingredient in the Hindu conception of Enlightenment.)

None of this is to say that it doesn’t make sense to eschew romantic love while you’re busy studying in a monastery; and I certainly don’t believe that that kind of relationship is necessary for spiritual growth, as some people seem to.  Rather, I’m with Tolle and a few of the Buddhas on this one:  Wherever you are, find Enlightenment from there. Don’t worry about getting somewhere else first.  If you’re without a partner, work from there — you’ll find one if and when you need one.  If you’re with someone, go from there — if you continue to grow and deepen your awareness, and it becomes incompatible with your relationship, then the relationship will either change or dissolve in response.

The important thing — the ONLY important thing — is to work on becoming more aware, more compassionate, more understanding, and more attuned to the depth of things.  People have done this while starving in the desert; and they have done it while being Emperors of Rome.

Your opinions are welcome, as always!