Firsthand Experience of Zen Truths Can Really Suck
Letting Go of Attachment, from A to Zen | Zen Habits
Hi, Internet. ::shuffles feet:: Look, I know I haven't called in a while, but, um, things have just been really crazy, okay? Nothing personal. We're still cool as far as I'm concerned…if you're still cool?
::holds out apologetic flowers::
Wait! All of this has meaning. And from here, from the other side of six months of rampaging anxiety followed by the best kick in the face I've received from the Universe to date, I think — from the other side of a truly hellish week capped by two others of near-equal un-fun-ness; during which I'm not even sure if or when I posted anything, and I fear deeply for its quality if I did — from here, I'm finally starting to see the lessons.
Attachment is a huge one, and here's what I learned about it: You can't fake detachment, nor gain it by telling yourself you have it. If you wake up gasping because you're "worried" about what the future holds, that by itself is proof that you're attached to some version(s) of it, and building yourself up to suffer (very likely needlessly) if the thing you want doesn't happen.
The linked article has a good list of short thoughts on the practical actions that detachment actually requires, and does a lot to dispel the kind of mistaken thinking I was recently engaged in myself, such as "not thinking now is enough" and failing to "call myself out". It also states right up front that detachment isn't a one-time thing, a jumper you can set and leave it at that. It's more like dieting or exercising — something you have to make a conscious decision to work on every day.
As I recover from the craptacular disaster recently, I will try to remember that attachment is at the root of the suffering. Things didn't even work out badly; if I wasn't so torn up about them not going the way I wanted, I'd probably be peach brandy by now.
From the article:
Call yourself out. Learn what it looks like to grasp at people, things, or circumstances so you can redirect your thoughts when they veer toward attachment. When you dwell on keeping, controlling, manipulating, or losing something instead of simply experiencing it.
Define yourself in fluid terms. We are all constantly evolving and growing. Define yourself in terms that can withstand change. Defining yourself by possessions, roles, and relationships breeds attachment because loss entails losing not just what you have, but also who you are.
Enjoy now fully. No matter how much time you have in an experience or with someone you love, it will never feel like enough. So don’t think about it in terms of quantity—aim for quality, instead. Attach to the idea of living well moment-to-moment. That’s an attachment that can do you no harm.
Go it alone sometimes. Take time to foster your own interests, ones that nothing and no one can take away. Don’t let them hinge on anyone or anything other than your values and passion.
Hold lightly. This one isn’t just about releasing attachments—it’s also about maintaining healthy relationships. Contrary to romantic notions, you are not someone’s other half. You’re separate and whole. You can still hold someone to close to your heart; just remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll both be suffocated.
Practice letting things be. That doesn’t mean you can’t actively work to create a different tomorrow. It just means you make peace with the moment as it is, without worrying that something’s wrong with you or your life, and then operate from a place of acceptance.
Question your attachment. If you’re attached to a specific outcome—a dream job, the perfect relationship—you may be indulging an illusion about some day when everything will be lined up for happiness. No moment will ever be worthier of your joy than now because that’s all there ever is.
(Special thanks to atdt1991@LJ for the link!)