Talk of cycles is useless…

…When you're actually in the middle of having one of the worst weeks you can remember.

Sorry about the lack of posts, ya'll; I've just been trying to keep the whining and flailing and FML-ing off of this site, because well, what good does it do?  I have other places to just vent at, and even then, the only real purpose of it is to keep me from shutting down and turning inwards and giving the world the finger.  (Which I would happily do at this point, except that then I wouldn't get anything *done*; I'd just stay in bed and rot.  And I'll take venting and flailing over that kind of depression any day, thank you.)

Change and cycles are necessary and inevitable, and the ego needs to let go of the delusion that it's in control of them…sometimes things fall apart because they needed to.  Philosophically I'm fine with this truth, though of course it's hard for me emotionally like it is for anybody.  Know the truth and it will set you free — not necessarily without pain, of course.

So I'd be having a hard enough time with that as it is, but the Universe then decided that this week, ALL of the things that give me comfort and joy should also go away, leaving me in the dark presumably so that I can more fully experience The Suck that it has laid out for me.  All week it's just been difficult conversations, boredom (you know how I bloody hate boredom), frustrated plans, being stuck outside in the cold, and having too much time either alone and dwelling on things, or in company where I have to keep a game face on no matter how much I don't feel like it.  All my usual activities and pleasures are unavailable or fell through, and it's been entirely up to me to entertain myself, stay busy, and stay positive.

And to be fair, I've done pretty well overall.  Today, though, I'm feeling totally out of energy for it, and I don't know where I'll get more.  Every day I've managed to find something — a nice view, a good read, a moment of appreciation for something — but man have I been running on fumes for a while now, and I'm really starting to despair that I'll ever catch a break.  Of course I will — that's how cycles work, after all — but that despair is itself dangerous and potentially destructive, and I really need to keep it off, or this downturn will eat through a lot more things than are actually ready to end.

That part's up to me.  "I have come to the disturbing conclusion that I am the deciding factor," as Goethe said.  And it may feel like day after day of using up the things that help me has left me bare in a lashing wind, but that's not accurate either.  The tools are always at hand, if you know how to look.  I'll figure it out.

Right?  Right!

More when things are better…