Hey all! OMG, I'm so sorry to have vanished for so long. :/ I think I got — to be brutally honest, which OH HEY I've missed this little forum where I get to be entirely that — I think I got overwhelmed by peopling and attention, and was forced into a bit of a retreat. That kind of thing happens to me pretty regularly in life; but I hope no-one was worried.
To be honest though, this site and the sleep "community" really contributed to that overwhelming-of-forces that forced me into retreat. It's not your fault! I just forget sometimes that I'm not the way I wish I was, socially speaking. Like, I learned pretty much everything wrong when I was a kid, and I treated myself badly and blindly and without good guidance for a long long time. I normalized isolation, and a weird combination of self-harm and self-reliance (that kinda worked for a while, i.e. it kept me alive, but I was almost 30 before I learned to abandon it, and it did its damage).
I've since learned Goethe's lesson (YAY THANK YOU GOETHE) about attitudes and weather, and also (let's call it, for fun) Neo's Lesson about choosing the fundamentals of reality; and holy COW am I a good sight better and more functional of a human now — and I hope to improve, obviously! (Big plans are in motion; I guess I'll have to come back and update about them later. :P)
But like I said, I lose sight of what's underneath sometimes; I try building castles on quicksand and then my mind gives out at a weak point I hadn't acknowledged I had — great lessons, sure. But when suddenly there are too many people in the world, and it's too hard to hear myself, my Goethe-program and my lessons, I just can't anymore. I'm not an introvert actually — not anymore; they would have said I was a severe one for a long time; but in actuality I think I was always a Broken Extravert. …Which is all a very dumb and convoluted way to say, I don't want to go hidey; I don't really need to escape; and yet, I can't help it sometimes. Gods willing, I will always fight my way back.
Even though looking at the "new" front page of this site makes me cringe now — I kind of threw it up there in a last-ditch "do something" before systems shut down completely, last time — I'm glad that the Blog is no longer the front page, and I'm happy that I still have this space to write the kind of thoughts that just. don't. fit. anywhere else, including in a personal journal, because they're shared thoughts between me and those who think like me, which dammit, we're rare but we're out there. As much as my brain tries to insist that that doesn't matter, I know damn well it does. And part of admitting that is taking a deep breath and reaching out sometimes, even when you're sure you'll eventually be embarrassed about what you say.
Such is growth. The Art of Sucking At Things. :D
HELLO AND HAPPINESS, everyone! I hope you've been well. Feel free to drop me a line and tell me what's been up.
I'll be back. :)