The right and the wrong of the incels

So I keep running into these "involuntary celebate" guys online.  This is a whole segment of the human western culture that's hyper-frustrated at not feeling able to get laid, and is yelling about it because they feel they're being treated unfairly.

There are several things to sympathize with here.  Getting some is a nearly-universal human urge, and having no access to a means to fulfill it is definitely a ragemaker — we're not the first or only culture to have dealt with large swaths of angry young men, willing to burn society down and start over if it fixes that problem for them.  (It's been the cause of civil unrest, riots, and uprisings, even.  And it was known even in ancient Greece that men who couldn't get any would lose their shit — read Lysistrata.)  It's pretty well-known that if you take away a needed thing (which includes emotional needs like seeing your family, going to work, and yes finding physical intimacy once in a while) from a big chunk of people, especially one of your society's most energetic and able demographics, you get trouble.

And there's a lot of awful behavior and sloppy thinking to point, too, with the incels, as well.  I won't go into it, but hoooomygod do they say some awful shit, mostly about women.  To them, they aren't getting laid because "women" are keeping them from it; because if women would just behave differently, the fact that so many people can't hook up and be intimate would be solved.

This is a monumentally incorrect conclusion.  They're all justified in their anger, but they're angry at the wrong thing.  What they SHOULD be angry at is the anti-sex and anti-woman nature of our society.  It's that thing being called "the rape culture" that traumatizes women sexually and demonizes women who have sex and puts all the responsibilities and consequences of sex on women's shoulders.  It's this patriarchial society that punishes sex-workers and sex-work, taking away men's ability to just use their hard-earned money to solve that problem, if they wanna.  It's the lack of plentiful birth-control, the hateful lack of justice for rape and assault-victims, and the constant dissing and slandering of sex in general and women in particular, that keeps the incels from getting laid — not the women they attack so viciously for it.

The women are victims too.  (The women also aren't getting laid, in addition to being the butt of the violence and hatred.)  Both women and men are being made "involuntary celibates", by our culture which refuses to teach positive sex, refuses to celebrate or encourage healthy sex, and refuses (or is super reluctant) to legitimize and legalize the consentual sex-practices that get people laid — like being gay, being kinky, having multiple partners, etc ad nauseum.

Look, the problem you're up against is that we live in a backwards, fearful, religion-underpinned social culture that slams and shames women for nearly everything related to sex.  By the time any American girl is fifteen, she's seen images of women being humiliated sexually a million times.  She knows that "whore" is one of the worst things you can be called, and that if you display yourself sexually in any way, including just admitting that you like sex, you'd better have no imperfections or they will be pointed and laughed at in public.  Adult women have almost *all* been harassed or traumatized and then shamed for it, meaning that even just having a normal, healthy sex-life for them is gonna take years of therapy.  ...And remember, those women want to get laid just as much as you do — they're just taught that they're completely responsible for anything bad that happens if they do, and that their wanting to enjoy it makes them a bad person.

In even slightly more matriarchial cultures, paid sex is usually legal, with the attention paid to regulating it and making it safe.  But a culture where women can sell sex is not a culture where women make good slaves, so in *our* culture's (recent) history, women were forbidden from working *including* selling sex, so that they'd be valuable commodities to be bought and owned (because it's illegal to rent one, even/especially if she'd prefer being rented).  If you want more women to have sex with you, you want the liberation of women from secondary-citizenship and slavery of all kinds, because it's free, enabled women who can have sex with you on purpose.  Your anger at the slaves for not putting out more is prettty gross, BUT if you'd just turn your anger towards the system that keeps them as slaves, and set them free so they can voluntarily have sex with you, you'd be getting laid like crazy compared to now.  And oddly enough, because this is a problem aimed at women and so super hard to fix from "downstream", you, sitting upstream, can fix it pretty easily.  Change the culture.  Step one is just, "start saying different things", and start getting your friends to.

…And it's not all about sex-work, either.  There's a HUGE swath of women who can't have as much sex as they want, due to (ignoring health, safety, legal and financial stuff for the moment) a combination of past and current shaming.  Start glorifying women liking to get laid, already.  And not just hot celebrities, but ALL women, because it's the non-celebrity women you'll probably be sleeping with, and they're the ones who need the encouragement.  (Cheering for slutty models is its own part of the problem, but I'm skipping it for length reasons.)  Start publicly complimenting regular, imperfect women who act and look sexually, instead of yelling at them to get on a magazine cover or shut up.  Stop mocking women for being sexual and they'll be a little more inclined to do it, eh? 

Then start making it easier for women to get laid without getting pregnant, and to pay for sexual health services, and to report and have something done about rapes and assaults, and they will stop being so scared to have sex.

Do you understand?  Do you get that for an average woman, simply having a moderately healthy sex-life involving a few people is a monumental task, and for women who'd prefer to have a lot of partners (maybe including you), the pressure to not do so is overwhelming?  

By piling on more shame and anger, you're only making the problem worse.

Start fighting the sick, stupid culture that's keeping everybody from getting laid, and everybody wins. 

…Ok, rant over.  :)

About puredoxyk

Word addict, kungfu/taiji nut, and life-partner to polyphasic sleep. Rabid fan of as many hobbies as the world will let me pry into its piddly fourth dimension (it helps to have knocked out the fourth wall).
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