*Transcendental *Logic

The process of working my way into grad school has begun.  It could take less than a year, or less than a decade, or more than a decade, or maybe I’ll be one of those crazy old people working in the bookstore who never got admitted to the program.  Don’t care, really, because I can honestly say the process itself is worth it.  On the other hand, wouldn’t I make a badass PhD?

I love Ann Arbor.  Not only is it probably the best city in Michigan, but it’s really odd (and yet somehow fitting) that Michigan, home of one of the worst cities ever, is also home of one of the best — AA was voted Best College Town in the USA quite a few times, and being there it’s not hard to see why.  I’m gradually moving my way there, oddly enough — grew up south of D-town, moved to D-town, now I live northwest of D-town, about halfway between where I grew up and where I’m heading.  Funny!

I now live with my best friend, who’s been my best friend for a decade without ever having shared even a state with me since the first three months we knew each other.  It’s weird to take someone so entrenchedly long-distance and plant them into your house!  Things are going very well, but it’s a big change.

The reason we moved in together like this, or the biggest reason anyway, was to Change The World.  Now we need to figure out what that means — turns out that a decade of conversations didn’t even clear up whether we meant Change THE World or Change OUR World.  I’m playing a video game right now where the objective is to change two worlds, which just seems ridiculously perfect, considering.

What do you want to change? 

Me, I’m a believer in "there is no spoon" — the only real change happens by changing yourself.  But that still leaves me wondering what the purpose of the lifelong project my friend and I are engaged in is…do we change ourselves such that we change the world for ourselves and our family, or is the actual goal a bigger one?

I’ve made some big personal changes lately, and am making more as we speak…some of it is to Bend The Spoon; some is just to keep my sanity somewhat intact in this crazy place and time.  I never realized when I was younger how big a part of adult life is caught up in Sanity Management, but it’s true — what’s scary is how true it is for people who don’t know they’re doing it, too.  Sometimes I think that more grownups would be happier with themselves if they realized how much of what they’re doing is for Sanity Management purposes…for one thing, they’d probably realize that they could be doing a better job.  But it’s hard to do a job right when you’re not aware you’re doing it!

(Funny — I just wrote "Sanctity Management"…and maybe that’s a part of it too.)

Most of us have vices that we don’t realize are our way of dulling the pain caused by something fundamentally wrong with our lives … I just finally got the courage to give up a big one last week.  And now, it’s not living without my vice that’s hard (that’s been surprisingly easy), it’s living without that protective gear on … things are louder, clearer, higher and lower, and I can no longer pretend I don’t see them or feel them.  Still, I decided that it’s better to die of exposure to reality than to live forever wrapped in blankets.  Without your protective gear, the world is big, layered, haunted, meaningful and magical — you know what I mean, because we’re all born without that gear and we all experience the world that way as kids.  Moments take lifetimes, emotions are grenades, everything matters and yet everything also flies out of your hands so quickly; it’s only insulated by the blankets that anything can really linger.  I dunno.  Maybe I’m full of it … but it’s not bad stuff to be full of!

I guess that’s all for now.  I have no idea where this site is going, so for those of you who still read it, hang in there and I’m sure eventually it’ll cook into something — cake, quiche, mud pie, who knows? — but with any luck and a little help from the Great One, hopefully it’ll be a tasty something.  Sleep continues, but I just feel like I ran out of things to say about it — if you’re here for polyphasic information, it’s all here (follow the links on the right or buy the book (thankyou!)), but I’m not sure I’ll be adding to it any time soon.  I’d say it’s because I bore easily, but two solid years is hardly being flaky, is it?  Anyway it’s an interesting topic and I’m sure I’ll come back to it.

Happy Spoonday!

This is what happens when I get any sort of free time or freed-up mental processing units…semi-sincere apologies in advance…!

Philosopher’s BoomDeYaDa

I love philosophy
I love analogies
I love the arguments
I love the fallacies

I love the whole world
And how it won’t make sense;
Boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da

I love the dead white guys
I love how far we’ve come
I love to wonder why
And where the world is from

I love philosophers
(Even at dinner parties!)
Boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da

I love the brains in vats
I love the prisoners
I love the swamp man
I love the twin Earth

I love the possible worlds
And all their paradoxes;
Boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da

I love the Ancient Greeks
I love the Rennaisance
I love the crazy priests
I love the crazy gods

I love the whole world
And all its explanations;
Boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da

I love the dualists
I love the Nietzscheans
I love apologists
I love the zombie nuts

I love the whole world
You’re all hilarious!
Boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da, boom-de-ya-da

I’m not quite bada$$ enough to prove it yet, but all my philosophy has led me to believe that things happen as they must, that the Uni-verse is a Uni-t, that there is unity and purpose, however obscure, to everything.  You might say I philosophized myself into faith rather than out of it, for what is trust-in-the-Universal-order-of-things if not faith?

(Oh sure, some say that faith isn’t faith unless it’s faith in a theistic God, and I say pfft, the biggest flaw in the "theistic God" argument is the assumption that God is somehow outside natural law; that we "prove" hir by the times sHe breaks it — let’s have a little panentheistic* understanding here, people.  The only possible way for there to even be an eternal, all-knowing, or in any otherwise infinite being, is for that being’s self to be the whole world.  Say it with me now:  There can’t be anything outside Infinity.**  Thank you, class.  Any God that I’m going to admit to couldn’t break Universal law any more than you could decide to have a different blood-type today.***)

And come on, I write stories.  This may sound trivial, but nothing will give you the awe of interconnectedness like trying to stitch together an epic novel.

This whole idea, which I wish was more than an idea, leads to a way of living life that I can’t say I see any problem with:  To all the hardships, one says "This is what I must face right now"; to all the past agony, one says "That it what it took to teach me"; to all the fear of the future, one says "That will be as it must be, and the greatest thing I can do to affect it is to have the proper state of mind now."  It’s the perfect blend of surrender and personal responsibility; offering-up and taking-to-heart; admitting smallness while overcoming all fear.  In short, I can’t see a problem with the practical consequences of that view.  The logical consequences are tougher.

Even if I scrapped logic and went with my gut (and it wouldn’t be the first time), getting there is still daunting, when right now that means slogging through acceptances that really sting (right now:  one that bites, one that ages, one that turns away).  But what else is there?  Swinging a sword at the darkness?  All that gets cut doing that is you…and the only light we have to bring is our own consciousness, which means acceptance, surrender, strength — karma yoga again.

And there, I can see how having a "belief in God" in the personal-God sense would be helpful.  If you could convince yourself that there’s a greater being out there that you need to worship / fear / impress / placate / whatever, then you could take the Hindu road directly — This is what God has placed in front of me to do.  Rather than trusting Universal law, which is tricky and uncomforting, you could place your trust in a face and a name you’ve hung on the front of it, like Tom Hanks with his beach-ball Wilson.  Strictly speaking, as a human animal, that’s lots easier.  (Holy crap, have I just justified religion? …Well, not as currently used I guess, but yeah, in potentia.  Woo.)

But I’d prefer not.  For one thing, as I just alluded to, ain’t nobody teaching this who’s got it right that I’ve found, and if I have to do it from scratch, I’ll do it from scratch, no masks and no fake names, thank you.  Too much is at stake if I find out the mask I’m talking to is hanging on the wrong door.  Still, other than the lack of being comforting, this hasn’t proven very hard; stripped of the silliness that a theistic, personal-God theory demands, admitting that all is one and that things are as they must be is much simpler.  All you have to do is be Socrates, and look around at what you don’t know.  And as the man himself said, any idiot can do that.

Bleah.  Theories.  Theories, theories, theories.  Sometimes they help in a pinch, but the real task of writing the program by way of which they always help is…yeah.  I’m a lover, not a coder.  ;)

*Not "pantheistic".  Look it up.
**EDITED:  Originally said "an infinity"; a few of you pointed out that this is incorrect, since something can certainly be outside an infinite (closed) set of things.  I meant Infinity itself, the big one, the Eternity typically associated with God and It’s ilk.  ;)
***Or any less.  Rules are defined by their exceptions…

Random Missives

I just saw on the Internet that the city I live in is 16 miles from Detroit.

Sixteen miles!  That kinda makes me proud.  ;)

Oo, and if the zombie outbreak starts downtown (which we all suspect it will; be honest), we’ll have at least a little time to prepare before the first wave of ‘em.

The chainmail addiction is definitely in full swing.  Wove byzantine chain last night until I ran out of that size rings, and then got frustrated at running out, even though it was almost 1 in the morning by then.  Augh my package needs to get here!  Some part of my obsession-addled brain insists that it’s not here yet because my closures aren’t good enough, and I’ve caught myself mumbling, Gollum-style, They’re getting better, yessss… Almost half is perfect, yes, perfect…NO!  NO NOT GOOD ENOUGH!  The Precious stays away from ussss!  It will not come!!  Waaauggggurgle.

Ahem.  I’m sure this phase, er, passes.  I’d hate to have to put "hefty supply of rings and pliers" on the list of things I absolutely need in order to not go postal.  Or get mixed up in organized crime so I can afford it.

That just reminded me:  If you’re at all a Terry Pratchett fan, and have not yet read Going Postal, DO.  I’ve decided that it’s my favorite, along with the ten others that are my favorites.  But it’s near the top, definitely, mostly because not only is it a kickass story and hilarious, but unlike a lot of TP’s work, this one doesn’t peter out at the end.  The end is quite fabulous; I devoured every page of that one.

Watch Out for Fall Colors:

By the way, in case it interests anyone, today is my 30th birthday.  ::whistles copyrighted song:: 

This means that I’ve officially made it 12 years past the point where everyone was betting I’d end up in jail or a loony bin.  Heh. 

My favorite thing about this phase of life is how thick everything seems — I feel like I could keep digging and learning things forever and never get far enough in.  Life used to seem relatively flat and either boring or intimidating, but lately I’ve been digging up all these things that I think I’d be content to study and practice for an aeon or so:  taiji, kung fu, yoga, chainmail, piano, singing, poetry (from both sides), other languages (I don’t know any yet, but only because I can’t afford to properly learn — it’s coming though!) … anyway, this is significantly different from how I felt when I was a kid (bored bored bored), a teenager (depressed and despairing), and a young adult (busy, breathless and confused). 

Prescient Epistemological Changes (which is both appropriate, and a joke; it’s an actual chapter-heading in one of my papers):

Also, I’ve been feeling more, um, connected to my younger self than I used to.  This could be an effect of age, or of too much philosophy .. ;)  …But it is funny; when I was younger I always felt relatively "isolated" in my identity in time:  I was me now, and me-way-back-when seemed like someone else.  Now I can feel much more of the progression, and "being me" feels like something that stretches both back and forward in time.  I wonder if that’s what people mean when they talk about "feeling old".  I wouldn’t call it that, though; I feel…bigger, not "older".

No Golden Polyphasic Calves:

(I don’t suppose I need to add that I slept in today.  It’s my birthday!  Geez.)

Waugh, the future is intimidating!

Being a metaphysics student at the moment, I can address the question of why something that doesn’t exist can be intimidating, or be anything, probably most efficiently using Yablo:  The future is an existential metaphor and I’m only scaring myself.  And doing quite an efficient job without its help.

I used to be all gung-ho about big changes, I really did.  Perhaps more than most:  I was an active Discordian, proud neophile, professional down-and-dirty flake.  I undertook huge changes, personal psychological and physical, with as little fear as I could manage, and what I couldn’t eradicate I ignored, an offering for Eris.  I had mottos like "Either Extreme is Fine" and "Stagnation is Satan".  (Hey, I didn’t say I was eloquent about it.  This was my teens and early twenties — hardly eloquent times of life!)

Er, that was before my whole life fell apart, quite without my permission, almost exactly four years ago.  That was pretty seriously not fun, and I’m not exaggerating when I say I might not have survived it without the huge amounts of help and support I had.  I’ve worked quite hard to rebuild things now, and the thought of another major upheaval(s) is causing me some pretty spiky issues.  Every time I think about getting a new job (which I could have to at any time, thank you Michigan economy), picking a degree program (I’m so intimidated by that choice that I’m pretty much planning on throwing my coins to the wind and taking whatever lands in my pocket), or in general confronting the future at all, I get sick to my stomach.

So I’m attempting to take some good advice from Eastern philosophy.  To paraphrase one of the Buddhas:  "What, at this moment, is lacking?"  The future is almost always impossible to "handle", because it’s in your head, and your head (especially my head) builds a hell of a monster out of it.  But you don’t have to handle the future.  The only thing you ever have to deal with, get through or be okay with is right now. 

It is one of the great mysteries of humanity, in my view, why it’s so incredibly hard for us to separate out this moment and pay attention to it.  A moment is such a small, simple thing.  No education necessary to grasp it; no tricks needed to see it.  But focusing on it is simply beyond most people…especially ones who’re obsessing about being terrified of the future.